In the end it wasnít really HIV or AIDS that got him, even though that is what is listed on the death certificate. It was the drugs he was on to keep him alive. Ironic huh? See, while the advances that have been made in the fight of this disease have been amazing, people are living longer and living better, the fact remains that these drugs are toxic, with terrible side effects, one of which is heart damage. Thatís what got Dylan in the end.
I know that this is what Dylan would have wanted, preferred even, albeit, maybe not so soon, but he wouldnít have wanted to waste away, to linger in a hospital bed. He would have hated that. So I tell myself this was better for him, if not for me.
It was quick and more than likely relatively painless. A sudden heart attack; he was probably dead before he hit the floor. I called the paramedics, I did CPR, but it was all of no use; he was gone.
So once again I get to try to figure out how to live my life without Dylan, only this time there is no hope. We arenít going to have another chance. Ever.
My anger helps to numb the pain, because I am so so angry. Angry at fate for dealing me this hand. Angry at Dylan for being weak. Angry at myself for not being able to fix him, for not being enough for him. I know, I know, itís not my fault, but right now, thatís not how it feels.
How do I recover from this? How can I possible pick up all these broken pieces and go on? I have no idea. I take it one day at a time and thanks to my friends and support group that is all I have to do; just get through today. Tomorrow can take care of itself. If I try to think too far ahead, farther ahead than today, my sense of loss and hopelessness swallows me. So I can only focus on today, on now.
I remember reading a quote somewhere. Iím not sure who said it, but it said some thing like: just because someone doesnít love you like you want them to, doesnít mean they donít love you with all they have.
Dylanís mistakes, his weakness, took from me what should have been my happily ever after. But I donít regret having known him, having loved him and I do believe that he loved he as best as he was able.
Oh, I finally got tested. Iím negative.