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life at a private school
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Chapter Eleven

Josh oh my god Josh, Josh wake up are you ok? Tim shrieked as my body crumpled and I fell to the ground. Tim rushed around and cradled me in his arms, tears streaming down his face rocking me in his arms.

As I came to I felt incredibly thirsty and I was imagining that the entire car was a glass of water. At first I didnít know what was going on, but as I became more and more aware of the pounding in head and my desire to drink forever, I realised that I was having a hypoglycemic attack and that I needed to get to a hospital to regulate my blood sugar levels. At that moment though I couldnít do anything and all I wanted was something to drink!.

A women from another car at the service station had called an ambulance and I was vaguely aware of the droning sound in the distance. I looked up and could see the terror in Timís tear streaked face as he clucked over me like a mother hen. My hearing was a bit funny and my forehead was numb from where I had hit it on the way down to the ground. I used all the strength I had to find Timís hand and softly take it in mine.

I could see Timís mouth moving and knew he was talking to me but I couldnít hear him. The pounding in my head started to stop and the bright day became darker and darker as I lapsed back into unconsciousness.

Oh my god Josh, come on Josh wake up wake up. Tim stroked my face and continued to rock me gently on his lap.

Listen honey is he on any drugs, he doesnít look good at all, the woman from then other car said, Iíve called an ambulance.

Heís um heís a diabetic, Tim bit his lower lip and continued to stroke me whispering my name over and over again.

Donít worry honey your friend will be fine, he probably needs some insulin or something like that she said.

The sound of the ambulance grew louder and louder and its tires squealed as it came to an abrupt halt. The paramedics jumped out of the front and quickly grabbed some things including an oxygen pack from the back and came over to us.

What happened, the shorter paramedic asked.

He just complained of being a bit tired and hungry and needing a drink, then when he got up out of the car he just passed out and keeps on waking up and then passing out again, heís diabetic or something.

While Tim was recounting what had happened the other paramedic placed an oxygen mask over my face and started checking my stats. I was only just aware of what was going on and when he asked if I could hear him I could only just weakly nod.

So who are you the paramedic asked Tim and how old is he?

Um, Iím his um friend um boyfriend and weíre 17 almost 18, Tim mumbled defensively.

Ok, the paramedic chuckled its ok donít worry itís just that your both minors we have to call his parents, we have to take him to hospital. Josh is in a diabetic coma and he really needs urgent treatment. He must have caught the terror in Timís eyes, I know I could feel and see it as Tim squeezed my hand even tighter. Donít worry heíll be as right as rain in a couple of days. There shouldnít be any lasting damage he grinned.

The paramedics started an IV line in my arm and my mind started to clear as I became less dehydrated and the glucose entered my body. I turned to Tim and tried to tell him I loved him but not much other than a wheeze came out, but the look in my eyes was enough and his eyes filled with tears as the paramedics worked on me.

As I was lifted up into the back of the ambulance Tim tried to hop in too but he was stopped by the paramedic whose name, Tim was printed on a badge on his shirt. Sorry Mate but only family is allowed to travel in the ambulance with patients. Follow us to Hornsby Hospital and we will see you there.

I tried to raise myself up and argue that I wanted Tim there with me in the ambulance but I was too weak and I could do was slightly lift my head, I was just so exhausted. I caught sight of Timís face as the door of the ambulance closed. His beautiful face was streaked with tears that ran a jagged line from the corner of his eyes over those amazing sharp cheekbones and down his soft smooth skin of his neck to his war supple chest. His eyes had a faraway look of worry and fear, fear of the unknown and scared of being afraid, they were so brown that I felt as though they were communicating directly to my very soul. Whether I was hallucinating at that moment or not I donít know but I knew that our hearts and minds were communicating as one.

Tim gave me an injection in the ambulance through my IV line and I drifted off to sleep as the movement from the travel soothed me. Hen I woke up I was being taken out of the ambulance and into the Emergency department of the hospital. I looked around and thought that it looked nothing like the emergency departments on any of the Hollywood shows, it was grubby and scary. Sort of like a down trodden hotel built in the 60ís and never done up. The horrible wood paneling looked like it had seen better days and even the ceiling had cracks in it. I was wheeled into an examination cubicle and the curtain was pulled close leaving me on my own for a few minutes.

I drifted back to sleep and was woken by the sound of raised voices on the other side of the curtain. I listened and I could hear Tim arguing with the someone about seeing me. The woman kept on saying family only and since he wasnít family he had to wait. I struggled to pull the oxygen mask off my face and call out Timís name. My mouth was so dry from everything that I could barely wheeze. I fought back the tears as I heard the nurse tell Tim to leave or she would have him thrown out.

At that moment Tim burst through the curtains and came straight over to me and gently brushed his lips against mine and whispered, ďIíll be back later donít worry they canít keep me away.Ē Then he was gone brushing rudely past the nurse. I had my first look at the nurse that had stopped Tim, she was dressed in normal nurse gear but also had a large crucifix hanging down around her neck. I shuddered as I realised that she was probably quite repulsed by the thought of boys being with boys. She took my temperature and other observations with great efficiency then looked at me with a scornful look and turned and left leaving me alone once again.

I was damn annoyed and upset at being treated like a second class citizen and that even in the nineties in a country like Australia you could still get treated with such scorn and contempt. It made my resolve to stay hidden in the closet even stronger than it had been before. Tim and I must be so careful to hid our relationship or we would be separated and not able to be together. I must have drifted off again because I woke up to find both my parents sitting in the room with me.

My mother was holding my hand and gently stroking my hair. I opened my eyes to see her tired face , she smiled and saidí ďwelcome back youíve been in and out of it for hours, donít try to talk or move, youíre ok in the hospitalĒ. I looked around and saw that I was in a different room now, it had a window at the end of my room, outside it was pitch black so I knew it must have been late.

I cleared my throat and my mother lifted a glass of cool water to my lips. I took a few sips and asked what time it was?

2 am baby, mum said.

Where am I now? I managed to croak out

We transferred you to the San Private hospital because then you could have your own room and your normal doctor could take care of you tooÖ.

I nodded and then asked the question that I really wanted to know, Whereís Tim?

Mum looked at me with a flicker of fear in her eyes then quickly covered it up and told me he was waiting outside, he had refused to go home. All the while my father who had been sitting in an armchair got up and stared out the window. A chill went through my spine as I wondered if the paramedics or the nurse had said anything. Then my father spoke and said, that boy is a bad influence on you, making you forget to have your medication and having alcohol under age. You are not to see him again, I forbid it do you understand? You are not to seem him again, your exams are in a few weeks and you must do well or you will waste the rest of your life.

I looked at my mother who just stared into my face looking, searching for something. I pleaded with her to make him change his mind but she only squeezed my hand tighter and tighter.

Tears spilled from my eyes but I bit my tongue to stop from making any noise and turned my face away so neither of my parents could see me cry. I had a strange relationship with my parents, whilst I loved them very mush and hoped that they were always happy and healthy, I never really shared anything with them about who I really was or what I really felt. I accepted that this was normal for teenagers, especially gay teenagers. To my sisters I was even worse, they had no idea who their big brother was or what he wanted, because I never spoke to them about anything of importance. Sure I helped them out, by taking them to school if it was my turn, or helping them with their homework, but I was so frightened of someone finding the real me that instead I became a very shy person with an enormous barrier around me that deflected anything personal away.

My parents assuming that I had fallen asleep started to argue in whispers at the other end of the room about my fathers hard line.

I donít care how happy he has been or even if his marks have been good so far, he is going to make something of his life, I no we have not sacrificed so much for him to get involved with these wealthy boys who think they can just sail through school and then live off their parentís money. He is not to see any of these people until after he has finished school and got into the law course at university.

John, heís only a boy still, he needs to have fun and enjoy himself, this is the first time in his life that he has had a good friend that is nice to him, let him be or we will lose him, heíll rebel and then where will we be? Heís only a confused young boy.

My heart was pounding as I listened to them arguing, my entire life was being planned out for me, from what I would do to where I would study, probably to who I would marry. My god what where they going to do when they found out I was gay? I bit my lip to stop myself from making any noise and let the tears fall down my face and make my pillow damp.

My mother leaned over and gave me a quick pick on the cheek and I could smell her reassuring scent of her favorite perfume. I pretended to still be asleep and moved ever so slightly to his the tears on my face.

As they left the room I opened my eyes and stared out the window to the lights of the city far away in the distance. I was not all that comfortable with an IV tube sticking into my arm my head hurt from where I had hit my forehead my back and my side hurt as well, I assumed that I had probably hurt them falling over as well.

As I stared out into the distance I thought about my life and what I wanted from it, where I wanted to go, what I wanted to do and see. I had no idea what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, gee when I though about the rest of my life I couldnít even think past next year let alone longer and longer than that. I knew one thing though and that was that I wanted my life to be with Tim. I knew we were young and all that but the feelings I as feeling from him were unlike anything I had every felt before they were making me do such silly things whilst at the same time making me so happy and joyous! If this is what love is then I was well and truly in love with the most special boy in the world. Even in my sad and sorry state when I thought of his perfect body my cock hardened a little and I had to shift a little to get more comfortable.

As I lay there staring out into the hive of humanity that I knew was there but couldnít see the door to my room opened and I knew it was Tim. I turned around and he grinned at me putting his finger to his lips to tell me to keep quiet. We embraced and he wrapped his strong arms around me in a careful yet gentle hug, planting little kisses all over my lips cheeks and nose.

Iím sorry I whispered, I should have remembered to take my pills, but with everything on the weekend as so wonderful I simply forgot. Iím sorry baby for ruining your weekend.

Tim smiled that smile of his and his eyes sparkled mischievously and said, well you will just have to teach me how to take care of you and remind you to take you pills if we are going to be together you know. I smiled back and pulled him a little closer to me. Your parents wouldnít let me come in so I had to wait till they left, and because we are both underage I couldnít be with you in Emergency. But Iíve been waiting all afternoon and night to see you and make sure you are ok. You gave me such a fright, In was so worried, so worried that I might lose you. Tim started to cry and that set me off as well, after the conversation with my parents I was truly very confused and upset.

I told him what my father had said and he and I just sat up in my bed staring out at the city holding each other. A nurse came in and got a bit upset that I was awake and Tim was still there, but we begged her to let hi stay saying that my parents wouldnít let him be their when they were around. We must have made such a pathetic sight that she relented but made Tim promise that he would leave in 15 minutes and let me get some rest.

We spent that 15 minutes silently holding each other and staring out to the city. Somewhere out there people were able to be gay and be together with the person that they loved without fear, without hatred just being themselves together. God I wished that Tim and I were out there. Tim reluctantly got up then leaned over to kiss me and telling me he would be back tomorrow at lunchtime of school and we would work out something then.

After Tim had left I turned back around to watch the city lights again and think, think about who I was, think about what I wanted and think about the boy I loved and why I loved him. Because I was so young and inexperienced with these things, and I was frightened that what I felt was purely lust or even worse obsession, after all I had watched Tim for years and years and it was only a couple of months ago that we had finally got together.

Time passed and I fell into a restless sleep dreaming disjointed dreams of running away from an unseen enemy, but never being able to stop and rest or hide. Every time I thought that I was away from them they would find me and I would have to start running again. Finally after many hours of tossing and turning I turned around in my dream and stared straight at my enemy and tried to see who it was.

At first the face was unknown then familiar, then through the fog and the mist of my dreaming brain I saw the face of my enemy and I gasped out loud and sat up in my bed straining for breath with my pulse racing covered in sweat.

There were two of then confronting me not one person but two, even though I was now fully awake and the shackles of sleep had left me I could still see their faces imprinted upon the retina of my brain.

I now understood what it was that I was afraid of, I understood why I was acting like such a fool, forgetting my medicine, being so afraid and so vulnerable. I now understood what it was I must do even though the very thought of it terrified me and enthralled me at the same time. As I thought about the consequences of my actions I could see my future as two very different paths, the one which I knew I must take, it was a scary path filled with ups and downs, but at the end of the journey I knew there was happiness and fulfillment. The other path was one of mediocrity, one of averageness that would see me exist not be particularly happy but not unhappy. Somewhere in the middle of all those conflicting signals I had seen the future and my path yet to come.

The faces I had seen and my fears were mine and Timís, I was frightened of myself and the total realisation that I was gay and could never be happy living this lie that had become my life. I was living in a shell hiding my true self from the world and keeping the people I loved away, I owed it to myself and them to come out and show them who I truly was!

I looked out of the window as the sun just started to peep up over the horizon and colour the world with its warmth and joy. I remembered 48 hours earlier how I watched the sunrise in the arms of Tim, naked snuggled up against his warm body at the beach house. The memory strengthened my resolve and I knew it was a sign that I had made the right choice, now all I had to do was take the first few steps, but I knew that it would take a few months before everything would be in place, and it would take some convincing of Tim for it all to work but it would work because I would make it.

Suddenly I felt as though I had just been given a massive injection of energy as my whole body felt free and my mind started to soar.

I had made the choice to confront my demons and take charge of my life, I was going to come out of the closet when I finished school and do what I had always wanted to do, go to art school and paint even if my parents disowned me I would do it. The most important thing was that I had to convince Tim to come and live with me after our exams, we could get jobs and find a place to live, even if it meant having nothing, at least we would be together forever. We could live without fear without retribution or hatred in the city here people like us lived.

The sun had risen on a new day and I was a new person!

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