The next few weeks went by quickly and Tim and I fell into a strange routine. I would avoid him at school and if we did see each other we would pretend that we hadn't seen each other. It hurt a lot not to be able to talk to him or show him my feelings in public. I excepted this because I was so much in love with him and I didn't think too much of it until Ms Summers, er I mean Cass asked me why never talked to each other at school. Even though I had promised Tim never to tell her anything about us, I had mainly because she was so very easy to talk to and she had so much experience.
I had spoken to Cass during the week after she had given me her number, I still hadn't called but I was beginning to treat her like an older sister. She had met her girlfriend in University six years ago when they were both struggling to come out and she really understood what I was going though. She suggested that I talk to Tim about perhaps being abit more friendly to me at school even if it was just to say hello. I was worried about what that would do to Tim, because all of his friends thought I was kooky and if he started being nice to me it would mean real trouble.
That night I brought it up with Tim, at first he was` really pissed off that I had spoken to Cass at all and he started to shake and go really pale, that someone else knew about our little secret life as he called it. But when I begged him to think about it he finally agreed that he would start to talk to me at school. After a few hours he looked at me lying naked on his bed and said,
You know that I have really fallen in love with you, you are just so perfect, your blonde hair and blue eyes just drive me mad, all I do all day is think about you and want to hold you and show you how much I love you.
My eyes started to mist up as he said this and i pulled him closer and hugged him as hard as I possibly could never wanting him to go away. Tim then reached under his bed and pulled out a small a small box which he opened. He then took out a small silver ring and gave it to me.
I really do love you and I want you to have this ring to remind you how much I love you, I'm just scared by the thought of coming out and losing my friends at school and my parents finding out. But I understand how you feel and so I will talk to you at school, just don't make it too obvious ok?
I was overjoyed as I slipped the ring over my finger and leaned in to kiss him.
The very next day as I was opening my locker Tim walked by with David, Anthony and the rest of his little entourage. As they passed Tim smiled at me and said hello. I was too shocked to react and I stood there staring at my locker as they walked by with Anthony saying out loud, What the fuck did you say hello to that faggot for?.
I looked round to see Tim grab him by the shirt and pull him close to his face and say, don't be a prat Samuals he's ok, he helped me with my maths so I wouldn't fail ok! I watched` in horror as Anthony backed away and said well if you're going fairy you can fuck off.
I'm not GOING fairy dickhead, maybe you are though wanker. Tim then stride off the opposite direction. I quickly shut my locker and followed him safe distance. He went into the toilets and I went in after him. I quickly looked around and saw no one else was in there so I went up and knocked lightly on the only door that was closed.
Fuck off I'm taking a crap
It's me I said.
The door opened and Tim's tear stained face appeared.
I looked at him at it almost made my heart break, he looked so sad and so alone. I reached up and wiped his face with my hand and he sniffed and looked at me.
How do you put up with it all the time, all the crap that everyone gives you, I just don't understand it.
I shrugged and shook my head because I didn't. It's never been any different so I just expect it. They don't know me and they aren't important.
I hugged him and he wiped his eyes on some toilet paper.
I love you so much and it hurts me when people are mean to you especially when it's my own friends.
Don't worry about it, they're idiots, they're not important, but you are to me and I love you too and thats all that's important.
I stole a quick kiss from him and at that moment someone coughed. My heart stopped beating and I was` too terrified to look to see who it was. They coughed again and all the blood rushed from my head and I'm sure I would have fallen over if Tim hadn't been holding me up.
It was a guy from the year below us, Nick from the swimming team. My face went red and Tim tried to say something but before he could, Nick interrupted and laughed. I started to get angry at him but then he smiled.
Well I always knew you were gay Josh, but Tim I can't believe it, wow there's more of us in the school.
In my shocked state what Nick had just said didn't register in my slightly pickled brain. Nick was gay too? This was a day for suprises indeed! Tim gripped me harder and his face was as white as a sheet. I looked in his eyes and saw that he was absolutely terrified Being found out, even if Nick was gay too. I started to get alarmed when I realised that Tim was breathing strangely. I pulled him over to a toilet and he threw up and continued until he was dry retching. Nick stayed with us and kept asking if he was ok.
I suggested that he leave and I would help Tim to the school nurse. Tim was half sitting and standing on the floor of the toilet and he was starting to look better so I helped him up and led him to the sick bay. When we got there he almost collapsed on a chair and the nurse came straight over and asked what was wrong.
He's been throwing up I'm not really sure what's wrong. I was really worried about him and his reaction to Nick seeing us, it wasn't as if Nick was going to tell anyone about our secret. I help the nurse put time on a bed and then she asked me if he had complained about feeling ill or anything. I told he r everything except for the bit about us kissing and Nick finding us and just said that he had all of a sudden gone white and then started throwing up. She asked if his parents were home and I said probably not. Tim shook his head and said that his father was oveseas on business and his mother was away interstate. The nurse didn't know what to do, she thought he probably had a bit of a stomach bug and he should go home, but someone needed to be with him in case he got worse and needed to see a doctor or something.
I suggested that I take him home, but she said that I couldn't leave school in the middle of the day. Instead she suggested that I leave him in sick bay and then take him home in the afternoon. I agreed to this and told him that I would be back after last period to take him home. He nodded weakly and said,
This is where we met do you remember?
I smiled and wanted to so badly kiss him and hold him but I knew better. I left and went back to my locker. When I got there it was still lunch time and Nick was standing there waiting for me.
Is Tim Ok? He really took it badly didn't he, I've never seen someone get so worried. I raised my eyebrows and just said that he's frightened of letting people know that he is gay. He laughed and agreed that it was a real problem considering our school had to be one of the most macho straight bullshit places of hell on earth.
We talked for a while and he told me that he had been seeing another guy on the swimming team Dan for about six months. I was flabergasted I knew they were friends but had never guessed that they were part of the "club". He asked how long we had been together, and I told him about three weeks. He nodded and said it's difficult at first but you get used to hiding from everyone after a while. I didn't want to spend my life hiding though, I wasn't ashamed of who I was. I just agreed with him and then he took out a piece of paper and wrote his number on it and suggested we should all go out somewhere.
Nick walked away and again I was presented with someone who I could trust. For someone like myslef who had spent so many years without many friends and so few people at school that I could talk to I was starting to get a few good friends.
I spent the rest of the afternoon trying to concentrate on my work but my thoughts kept on wandering to Tim and wondering how he was.
When the bell rang I picked my things up at my locker and went to the sick bay to take Tim home. When I walked in he was sound asleep on the bed and he looked so perfect and so still. The nurse came over to me and talked to me for a few minutes. She was worried about him, she thought that he was in shock or something and asked if something had upset him recently. I shrugged my shoulders and she gave me a quizzical look. I woke Tim and he opened his brown eyes and looked up at me and smiled.
Hi how are you feeling?
I'm ok a bit tired that's all.
Ok well Im going to take you home to my place, I don't think you should be at home alone. Tim started to protest but I told him my parents wouldn't mind. He nodded and we went to my place.
When we got there I took him to my room and put him in my bed. I asked if he wanted something and he said no, he just wanted to go to sleep. I leant over and kissed him gently on the top of his head and then left the room turning out the light.
When my parents got home I told them that Tim had been sick at school and his parents were away so I thought it would be better if he stayed here. My father agreed and my mother looked at me and agreed but only after hesitating for a moment. She asked me what was wrong and I told her I didn't know I just thought he was stressed about his HSC which was only eight weeks away.
I went up and spoke to him with my parents and they said he could stay as long as he wanted. My mother brought out the air mattress for me to sleep on in my own room, I obviously wasn't going to sleep with him in my bed. When they left I asked him whether he wanted to go away with me this weekend up the coast to the beach, we owned a small holiday house just outside Newcastle and since it was a public holiday the following Monday we could have the entire weekend to ourselves. Tim smiled and his whole face lit up and he quickly agreed.
After I had dinner I spoke with my mother about Tim and she asked me if he was ok and what the problem was. I was so nervous the entire time I just told her that he was stressed with exams and his parents were always away and that he was lonely. She gave me one her special quizzical looks that only my mother can give and asked if I was Ok. I quickly said I was fine then she kissed me on the cheek and told me to do my homework.
That night when everyone else had gone to bed I got up from my air bed and crawled into bed with Tim. It felt so perfect and right to be hugging his body next to mine. We kissed for awhile then we feel asleep holding each other, we were too nervous to do anything while my parents were in the house. While I was falling asleep I forgot that I hadn't mentioned Nick to him, but I would remember to tell him in the morning. The day had been such a horrible one I wanted to forget all about it.