By Drew September 2009
I had a restless few hour’s sleep, tossing and turning, getting caught up in the sheets. When I woke I was feeling sore and fatigued. As I lay awake I tried to remember what I had been dreaming about, but only little bits of the dreams that had kept me up all night came back to me. I remembered that people were chasing me, the harder I tried to run the slower I got and the more they almost caught up.
It didn’t make sense to me at all, so I pushed it all from my mind and snuggled up to Tim who was still fast asleep. The day was already getting hot and we were both starting to sweat under the covers so I decided that I would get up and have a shower.
The cool water of the shower felt amazing running down over my body and I started to feel far more refreshed and awake. After finishing up in the bathroom I wrapped a towel around my waist and wandered over to Tim’s computer and turned it on intending to play a game or something until Tim woke up.
While I was waiting for the computer to load I picked up my school homework diary to check what study I had to get planned this weekend. Instead of my handwriting I found Tim’s instead and I immediately put it the diary down. But a piece of paper slid put of the back cover and as I picked it up I couldn’t help but read the last few words on the page,
“with all my love Ben xoxoxox”.
My stomach lurched and I immediate went all cold and I thought for a moment I was going to be sick or pass out. What the hell was Ben writing a note to my boyfriend saying, “all my love”? I started to open the note but Tim had woken up and grabbed the note out of my hand.
“What the fuck” I screamed at him.
“Are you sleeping with him?”
“Look Babe, it’s not what it looks like”, he said defensively holding his hands up in front of him.
I was furious and didn’t know what to think or do, all I did was shout at him as I threw the few things of mine in his room in a bag. I gritted my teeth together because I didn’t want him to see me cry as I ran out of his room.
I had no idea where I was going to go, I couldn’t go home to my father, and I couldn’t stay here. I had no where to go and a feeling of total abandonment and panic washed over me making me dizzy and short of breath.
But I kept on walking away even as Tim was chasing after me calling my name and telling me that nothing was going on. Half of me wanted to believe him, but I had seen the note with my own two eyes, and it had obviously been a love letter, after all why else would he say Love Ben, why not just Ben?
As I was running down the stairs of Tim’s house Tim was running after me calling out to me, ‘Josh, please stop, it’s not what you think, please I love you!’.
Just at that moment Sally came out of the back of the house and out of one of the side rooms Tim’s mother came out too.
At the last thing that Tim had almost screamed at the top of his lungs everyone stopped dead in their tracks.
My hand was holding the knob to the door and I didn’t dare look round. I was so confused and panicked, Tim had just outed us both to his mother and she was standing only a few meters from the both of us.
My head was swimming and I was feeling flushed and nauseous, not only at being outed to his mother but also by the note that I had found from Ben.
Tim continued down the stairs and grabbed me and in front of his mother turned me round and said, ‘I Love You, the note was to you not me’.
At once I felt relief wash over me but my legs started to buckle and Tim grabbed me as I started to sway.
I couldn’t see anything but Tim’s face as he repeated it again and again and pulled my to him and kissed me on the lips.
It all seemed such a blur and had happened so fast, I was in shock and didn’t know what to do.
The ice was broken by a voice saying ‘finally’, and I looked to see who had said it thinking it was Sally, but I was shocked to realize that instead it was Tim’s mother. Tim stood there and I could feel his heart beating through his thin T-Shirt as he pulled me closer to him.
‘I think we should probably all have a strong coffee and a chat’ Tim’s mother said as she walked towards the kitchen and left Tim and I standing alone in the entrance to his house.
‘Fuck’ I murmered.
‘Fuck’ he whispered back.
‘There will be no fucking in the hallway’ his mother interjected from the kitchen, ‘Only behind closed doors thank you’.
The both of us by now were in a total state of shock and we couldn’t move, but good old sally came up to the both of us and motioned for us to come to the kitchen.
As we walked in I couldn’t look at Tim’s mother I was just to embarrassed and my face felt like it was on fore I was blushing so much.
‘Sit down boys, I think we need to talk’ his mother said.
I was unsure of what to do, half of me wanted to run out of the house and throw myself off a cliff. I was only just coming to terms with my sexuality and having Tim’s mother know was almost too much to bear. I stood rooted to the spot as Tim grabbed my hand in a hard squeeze and gently pulled me to the table.
I was pretty amazed at just how cool Tim was acting and I looked up to his face which was set in an almost unreadable expression. It was unnerving because I had never really seem Tim like that before. I searched his eyes, at first they were hard set but then I saw his eyes start to tear up a little and I knew he was as shocked as I was.
We finally sat down still holding hands and I looked up at his mother’s face and saw her looking at our hands that were almost white by now as we were holding them so tight.
‘Tim, did I hear correctly that you love Josh?’ his mother asked searching his face for the truth which by now she already knew.
At first Tim didn’t answer and there was a very long pause as well waited for something to happen.
Then in a soft tentative voice as Tim looked at me then his mother he whispered, ‘yes’.
Just one word, no more but there it was out there just like that, it had been spoken in words not just in actions.
‘I see’ she said still watching his face, then turning to me she asked, ‘Josh, do you love Tim’?
I was not prepared for that, I honestly don’t know what I was expecting, but I looked from Tim to his mother then to Sally and just nodded my head because I didn’t think my dry throat would be able to even utter any words.
‘Well then, that’s settled then’ she said.
I was stunned, in my mind I think I was expecting screaming, shouting, anything but a simple acceptance. My mind flickered over to the thought of what it would be like to come out to my parents and I was certain that it would be a very different experience.
I wanted to cry, or pass out or throw up, I wasn’t sure what I wanted, but at that moment, Tim’s hand which had almost squeezed every drop of blood out of my hand started to loosen it’s grip. I became aware of the smoothness of his hand as he slowly stroked my hand while looking between my face and his mother’s.
We all sat there in silence for at least five minutes no one saying anything as we were all lost in our thoughts.
‘Are you sure?’ his mother finally asked, ‘it’s not an easy road being different you know’ she continued.
I sat there with my heart beating and my mind reeling as she spoke to us, asking questions which we answered in almost monosybilic grunts and nods. To say I was shocked by her response was an understatement and I know Tim was shocked too.
I was even more shocked when she told us that she had suspected for a while that Tim was Gay and was even more shocked when she told us she had guessed that we were a couple after the first night we met her together.
It was lingering looks that we gave each other, and the way that Tim who was a normally quite emotionally hard to read seemed to glow whenever I was around. I blushed intensely at that comment and looked at Tim’s face to see his eyes tearing up a small bit and a small solitary tear fall down his face.
All of my previous concerns about Ben and the notes I had found just evaporated from my mind. He was in lobe with me and it was so real that even his mother ad picked up on it.
‘So can I ask the truth about exactly what happened at school, is it something to do with you being gay Josh’ she said inquisitively staring right at me.
I was not sure I wanted to be that honest with her, after all I had just come out to my lover’s mother as he had and I was still un-nerved by the whole thing. Bt in the end I decided that what the hell, so far she had been entirely supportive of us, Tim and our truth, so I decided that I should be as honest as possible.
In fragments I opened up to her, I told her how I was treated at school, the harassment, the bullying and the tacit approval of the school administration who by doing nothing encourage and approved of the bullying.
As I was talking I spoke not just to Tim’s mother but to Tim too, even though he knew much of the story and the way I was and had been treated by the school.
I spoke about my home life, I did love my parents but I just couldn’t e what my father wanted me to be. God, my life was just so complex and difficult.
But even with all of these things my life had changed substantially when I Tim and I had discovered each other.
I finished talking and sat there staring at Tim, who leaned over hugged me and kissed me right on the mouth in the front of his mother.
At first I was shocked by the kiss, but my body slowly started to relax and I kissed Tim back, although out of modesty neither of us let the kiss be anything more than a dry kiss.
Tim’s mother watched without really showing much emotion, almost impassively, but I found a new found calm and strength in my own self.
It was as if someone had turned off all the fear an paranoia I had inside and my mind just stopped racing.
“So, what are you planning to do about the school” she asked?
Before answering I took a deep breath, looked from Tim to Sally and then to his mother and I knew instantly what the right thing to do was.
“I’m going to finish the next couple of weeks, do my exams and not look back”, I said with much more conviction that I thought I had.
It wasn’t something I had planned at all, I just knew that I had my entire life ahead of me, and if I pursued the school, McAllister or the headmaster all I would be doing was creating both stress and anguish for myself.
“Are you sure” Tim asked sliding his hand across the table to mine, which he squeezed.
“Yes”, I said simply.
“I just feel like getting school over with and getting on with life, in the last few months so much has happened to me, I have come out, I have found that I am not alone in the world, there are people just like me and I have found someone who loves me”, I trailed off looking into Tim’s eyes which were brimming with tears.
“I have to let go, I have to move on, I can’t live with the sort of hatred that I feel, or it will consume me”.
I looked up and Tim’s mother was crying, tears were streaming down her face as she slowly nodded here head.
“I see”, she said simply, “forgiveness is so hard to do.
At that she moved up off her chair looked at both of sitting their, her gay son and his male lover and came over and gave both of us a hug individually and silently walked out of the room.
Tim, Sally and I let out a huge sigh and stared at each other for a moment.
“Wow”, Sally said, and in return both Tim and I uttered “FUCK”.
We were now officially out to Tim’s mother and I had started to make peace with the things that had happened to me.
For the next hour Tim and I sat their talking, dissecting things in minor detail.
Even though I had mentally made the decision not to pursue the school I still had to face up there for the next couple of weeks, well in reality only one week left of actual school and then it was final exam time.
I had no idea what to do about my own family, I certainly had no intention of going back there for a while, even though I had moved on from the school issue, I was still totally unsure of what to do about my father and mother.
That was another issue that would take a lot more time.
We spent the rest of the morning talking about plans for our future and even though I wasn’t ready to talk about it we also talked about my choices with my own family.
Really though all I wanted was just to put that issue on the back burner and wait.
By mid afternoon we were sitting upstairs in Tim’s room talking and I saw Tim’s diary sitting on the table with the note from Ben still sticking out the top.
I had almost forgotten about the reason for our argument and the parts before we came out to Tim’s mother, and I stopped talking for a moment and stared at the note.
It took a few moments for me to realise that Tim was asking me what was wrong, and then he followed the gaze of my eyes and stopped talking too.
I turned to him and searched his face for a moment and he turned a bit pink which made his cheekbones even more prominent than normal. It was a part of his body which turned me in many ways but for now even though I was a very bit turned on I wanted to know the whole story about Ben and the note.
I knew that in many ways I was attracted to Ben, he was hot and I was feeling very conflicted about that.
“So” I started.
“So”, Tim cleared his throat.
“I think Ben is in love with me” turning even more red as he spoke, it’s not the first note he gave me”.
I instantly felt a strong pang of jealously and my heart started to race, “Have you ever, um you know um…”, I trailed off.
“No, no way I have ever kissed or cheated on you babe, I love you you’re my baby!” Tim said moving closer to me.
“But you have thought about it haven’t you” I asked looking away feeling the conflicting emotions in my own head. I knew I had fantisised about touching Ben, kissing him and even though I knew I was being hypoctrical I pushed on.
Tim took my hand and with his other hand gently turned my face around so I was looking at him and kissed me gently.
“I love you!, I don’t love Ben”.
And then he reached in again and kissed me this time more passionately, I let his tongue enter my mouth and kissed him back.
My body immediately responded and I could feel my cock getting hard and start to ache in my pants as we kissed for several minutes.
I broke the kiss and panted for a moment as I tried my best to not push Tim down and rip his clothes off and start licking his smooth muscular body.
The question was still unanswered, and I was curious, “You still didn’t answer my question though, have you ever”?
“No, I never have, he responded.
I knew he was telling me the truth but I also knew he was holding back on something as well.
“You’ve wanted to haven’t you, I asked as I grabbed his very obvious hard on through his jeans”.
“Yes” he whispered, as he looked away and down.
“I have wanked off thinking about him at times, but I swear I have never ever done anything.
I knew instinctively that he was telling me the truth, and I knew it was my turn to come clean about my own sexual attraction to him too.
“I have to admit that I have fantisised about him too, when we were talking yesterday before school we were both talking and I could see he had a hard on, it turned me on like nothing else”.
“You dog”, Tim said playfully punching my arm, “and I thought I was the only one that looked at him”.
“Nup, he is pretty damn hot I said.
I was still pretty conflicted by this, on the one hand I knew I was in love with Tim, but I couldn’t stop the feelings of sexual attraction I had towards Ben r any other hot guy for that matter.
“We could always sleep with him you know, Tim said half joking half seriously.
I had thought about threesomes before and momentarily the thought turned me intensely, but deep down I also knew that even though it was appealing it was not something I was ready to do.
I didn’t want to share Tim with anyone, he was mine and I told him so.
The look on his face was priceless, on the one hand it was relief and the other was a touch of disappointment.
Tim leaned in again and we started kissing madly like the two love struck teenagers we were.
I grabbed a hold of his shirt and started inching my hand under to feel the hot smooth skin of his stomach that I loved so much.
I started licking from his mouth to his ear and nibbled very gently and he let out a soft moan of anguish and horniness.
I was just about to slide my hands into his pants when there was a knock on the door.
We instantly sprang apart and pulled our T shirts down so our hard cocks would not be totally visible, even though it was obvious from our flushed faces that we were making out.
It was only Sally, but she had a message from Tim’s mother that she would like us to have dinner that evening with her before we went to the musical, and Tim had to go and help his mother with some things before then.
So there was going to be no passionate hot sex that afternoon for us!
When Tim left I contemplated having a wank for a moment, I could feel front of my pants were damp and sticky from the precum as we were kissing. But I decided to save it for later, I was still wanting to try Tim fucking me for the first time too.
For the rest of the afternoon I was lost in my thoughts, thinking about everything that was going on around me and too me.
My biggest issue that I was no closer in solving was what to do with my parents and the school and McAllister where the last thing on my mind.
My mind did occasionally wander to thoughts of sex with Tim and at times to the thoughts of inviting Ben to join us, but they were mainly forgotten.
By early evening Tim had finished helping his mother and came back up to the room for us to both get ready for dinner and then the school musical that night.