It's one of those moments that we can almost all remember exactly where we were when we heard she was dead.
I was at home after a party the night before and heard ont he TV that Di had been in an accident several hours before. At that stage the 'palace' was releasing no information and it was obvious that she was in fact dead.
About half an hour later it was announced that Diana Spencer had died in Paris.
Where were you?
Did you cry?
Did you watch the funeral?
Did Elton John's tribute make you cry as his voice cracked but he kept it together?
Did you maybe line the streets of London?
As the coffin left the Abbey Song for Athene by John Tavener was sung with a minutes silence at the end.
But I think it probably best not too. So many people that I know read this blog anyway and know the situation but it's best not to throw a red flag at a bull.
An incident happened this morning that made a lot of things clear and helped explain an awful lot of things that I have been mis interpreting.
I have however worked out what the issue actually is, and it's one of power games more than anything else. There is a perception on my friends behalf that I have been playing power games and he feels as though I have been intentionally making him look bad or trying to undermine his authority.
It's funny because nothing could be further from the truth, but in fantasy like reality, perception is king, and just the perception is enough to cause all the problems.
I was fuming over an incident this morning and I was all set to first off right a very nasty email basically hauling him over the coals, but decided not too as emails can be sent around, picked over and badly misconstrued.
I then decided that I was going to confront him over the telephone (in person would be better but he does not cope with any form of confrontation and would sand bag). But after thinking about what would be the possible outcomes of any form of confrontation, I sadly realised that the only outcome of any of these would be bad news and would have far reaching consequences.
So I am just going to have be careful to make sure that I am not playing power games and make doubly sure that the perception of power games or the perceived slight to his authority is mitigated.
This whole thing is such a waste of my time and energy. I was so upset over this today I probably wasted at least an hour of quality work time, only half concentrating on what I was doing.
It's interesting though I think I can now safely say the ball is in my court to mitigate the issue from happening in the future.
Sadly though the friendship I had is pretty much over, which is a significant shame, but I have tried time and time again to build it back up but I think today was the last shot. You can only take so much.
I think he's too stubborn to ever say sorry even if he understood the truth.
It's amazing that in twenty four hours I have gone from wanting to repair the friendship to realising that sometimes friendships go through natural progressions and sometimes even the best of friends must drift apart.
I thought a small musical interlude to today's post, it's 'For Good' from the Stephen Scwhartz musical Wicked. It's all about friends.
The friend just seems to stressed out, distant and on edge and I can't quite put my finger on the issue. I don't know whether it's work related (there is a lot going on there which is all very stressful), personal or a mix of everything.
I often wonder whether he reads my blog and has actually read posts where I have been cutting and quite nasty? Well this is my blog and I do use it form time to time to go through issues and get them from my head (which swirls enough) and into some jumble of words and emotions.
Anyway I seriously tried to ask if he was OK, the answer I got was yes from his mouth but a no from his body language. Then a moment later an 'I have to do something' and it's not the right time to talk'.
I do feel for him and no matter what I suppose I do want the friendship to repair itself. It will most likely never be quite what it once was, but I do want it to repair itself.
Looking back it's now almost three months since the offense occurred and as many times as I have wanted to tell him what happened I have chickened out every time.
We have a rather unhappy grumpy puppy this afternoon.
The beagle has been very grumpy of late (even more so than normal) and we noticed she was paying a lot of attention to one of her back claws. The boy took her to the vet today to check and not surprisingly the vet found a problem.
Her back dew claw was in fact fractured and was causing her immense pain.
So two veterinary assistants, the boy and the vet all holding down a snarly beagle the claw has been removed. But we now have an unhappy and very sore beagle lying on the sofa growling at anyone who goes near.
The boy and I were having dinner with our LA mate and some of his friends who we also know during the last week and in conversation my anxiety issues came up.
I don't hide the fact that I have issues surrounding panic and anxiety, and find that talking about it actually helps to address the issue. One of the really interesting discussions that started about this was differentiating between physical and mental things which can trigger anxiety.
Part of my problem is that I have trained myself to consider tiny normal physical changes such as a slight dizziness, spacing out, being stressed etc as a precursor to being anxious or having a panic attack.
What I am teaching myself is that the small physical feelings are just that, physical things which are perfectly normal and not a precursor to an anxiety or panic attack.
It's about two years since I actually had a full on 'panic attack' and I've never actually had another real panic attack, more like I've had high levels of physical discomfort which I have interpreted as about to have a panic attack.
But back to this whole concept of physical versus cognitive, over the weekend and today my body is in fight or flight mode. I'm not anxious as such nor am I having a panic attack or under undue stress or pressure.
In fact my mind is quite at equilibrium and I'm quite excited by work and what I am getting up to, but my physical body is at a higher level of awareness. Most likely this is a reaction to yesterdays hang over and it's just my body's way of getting itself back on to an even keel.
I have started to question myself when I do feeling these physical things and question myself as to what my body is telling me, and it's not telling me to panic or be anxious. It might just be telling me you need a rest etc.
But anyway that's how I feel today. Maybe I need a nice massage or a yoga session!
It would seem that almost every weekend we seem to end up partying in one way or another. Having had a huge weekend last weekend and a pretty full on week too catching up with our mate in town from LA.
This weekend was supposed to be a lot quieter and slower, even though we were throwing a party in honour of our mate from LA!
As it was I was feeling particuarly chuffed yesterday after inviting Nick to the party last night from Californication, he told me he had just posted a blog entry about meeting me. To say I was chffed would be a total understatement the post is so sweet :)
It's always a bit scary throwing a party especially as we have such an ecclectic group of friends that woudl not generally meet apart from doing something like this.
You never know just who will turn, when they will and how everyone will or won't get along.
The start time for the party was eight, and by eight thirty we still olny had one freiend there, but like all parties by midnight the place was heaving with people!
Since I am really on my diet to lose the rest of the spare tire round my waist and get back my abs, I have almost stopped drinking wine entirely, and have switched to vodka:
1 Galss of Vodka Soda and squeeze of lime -> 60 odd calories
1 Glass of White Wine -> 120 - 130 Calories.
So all in all a significant different, not to mention that you drink more soda than wine which makes it even better!
By about Midnight though, the mixing of the drinks from a nip of vodka in each glass became half vodka and half soda water. I didn't feel especially drunk last night although I had also not eaten from about lunch time as we had a large special lunch for my mother's Birthday.
There was a little bit of drama last night as well with two friends having a huge blue over some things that have been going on, and another friend's acquaintance being a total mess due to his friend dying the night before from a GBH overdose.
The long and the short of it meant that today I have been feeling just plain hideous! We were on our way with a whole group of people driving up to the Hunter Valley to go taste wine and have fun, but within twenty minutes of the drive I started to get shaky, nauseous and felt just grim. So the poor boy turned the car around dropping me off home and then catching up with the rest of them.
I have spent half the day sleeping and the other half feeling quite grim. It's only now at about 6pm at night which I am feeling better (not fully better but almost better).
I am pretty sure that I most likely ended up drinking well over a bottle of vodka last night all t0 myself.
I will not be doing that again for a while!
I have a pretty busy week this week, a couple of large client deliverable and trying to get everything wrapped up so I can essentially take next week off while the APEC thing is on in Sydney.
We received work last last week that yes as expected my office will now be in the high security area and unless I want to submit to extensive checking I will not be allowed in. Mind you we are in the Gold Coast Monday - Wednesday for a work thing which only leaves Thursday of which I will simply work from home!
I noticed that you can now upload video directly to your blog so I have given it a go!
Last night one of my very fabulous LA friends took me to the Priscilla Musical at Star City Casino.
Having loved the original movie since I saw it and having a deep connection with the film, after all it being filmed in my own city, starting at a venue I go out to and one of the costume designers being my cousins best friend growing up.
So I was really excited to go and see the show and I had no real idea what to expect, so you can imagine my total shock when this was the slickest and best stage show I have seen in a long time. Imagine a professional perfect drag show where everyone sings.
I am not going to do a full review because my reviewing skills are not all that good, but suffice to say the cast got a standing ovation at the end. The musical itself kept pretty close to the original movie, using a lot of fabulous lines like "Cock in a frock on a rock" and but also expanded along a few parts as well.
My two favorite parts of the show were the Bernice and Bob falling asleep out side and Tick singing MacArthur Park - I left my cake out in the rain. The green cupcakes dancing and the whole number was hilarious, I was truly on the floor at just how fanasticly corny it was!
My second favorite was the Shelly Winter's classic from the Poseidon adventure, I just love these two songs.
The entire show was live and they got around the need for "canned music" lip syncing by having three of the most amazing female singers perform, generally suspended from the ceiling. These three women had amazing powerful voices which carried off everything from I love the nightlife to the Opera scene on the top of the bus.
I am hoping that the show will tour the world and I reckon based on a rumor that America may indeed be it's next port of call after it closes next week.
My only complaint was that instead of Abba being the "No more Fucking Abba" it was Kylie Minogue instead which I did think was probably due to copyright laws.
I did laugh so much that I thought I was going to be sick my stomach hurt so much!
A year ago I went to the funeral and wake of my old friend Christopher Bull. Last night P and I went with another friend to Priscilla the musical, which we both thought was a fantastic way to remember Christopher! This song was chosen by Christopher as his farewell song. Bye Christopher!
It was not overlysup rising really as this one is such a huge political hot potato and we are so close to the Federal Election being called.
As Sam said in a comment to my previous post, the Federal member for Wentworth (which now includes areas with the highest gay population in Australia) has at the very last minute jumped on the gay equality bandwagon, it's too little too late.
I do find it so offensive that a person can still sit there with a clear conscious and deny the basic human rights of equality. It's generally their religious faith that they just take a faith based stance which you simply cannot argue with because they will not listen to reason or logic.
In the article I did read I almost choked on my cornflakes as I read:
It is understood the Prime Minister, John Howard, supports changing the law but told cabinet "we'll have a further look at it".
Where or when has little Johnny Howard ever said that he support equal rights for Gays and Lesbians and actually backed this political rhetoric up with any, any any even minute equalisation of the laws?
These sorts of discussions and quotes are the stuff of an ever scared and out of touch group of old men, who still believe that a women's place is at home, her body is not hers to decide the fate of, poofters should be seen and not heard, if they are seen it's OK to beat them to within an inch of their lives.
Bring on the Federal Election and hurry and let Australia decide whether these out of touch old men are ready to go.
I had the displeasure of having to call Dell to re-order some printer cartridges for my parents computer.
All I wanted to do was get some printer cartridges without having to use the website because I wanted expedited delivery which was not available online.
Like most global companies the call was redirected to somewhere that English is not the first language and I can tell my consultant's real name was not "Sam", but I cold tell he was most likely in India.
From the start of the call to the end of the call it was a nightmare.
I told him I wanted cartridges for a DEll 725 printer, but he insisted that I read him the serial number of the printer. I told him it's at home and I am in the office and couldn't I just tell him it's a 725 and get the cartridge?
After about ten minutes we finally got through all the bullshit and made the order (I was fuming by this point).
And the last thing he asks me is to rate his performance!
I mean hello!
I'm not going to tell him I think the whole process sucked and I wished I never had to talk to another of these bloody call centres in India again!
There is reason if they call me I hang up, I find them infuriating!
The Federal Cabinet will today debate legislation that could seek to understand whether same-sex couples should have the same legal and financial rights as heterosexual couples.
Only a handful of members of the Liberal / Coalition have been pushing this, Warren Entsch who seems to have championed the gay equality issue from the outset and supported by Joe Hockey, Brendan Nelson, Nick Minchin and Philip Ruddock.
The most interesting and obviously vote hungry is Malcolm Turnbull the Federal member for wentworth, who is in danger of losing his seat due to a redistribution of areas which now includes areas such as Darlinghurst, East Sydney, Waterloo etc which all have a very high proportion of gay constituents.
The debate in cabinet will fail or pass based very much on Howard's views, and thus far the Prime Minister has steadfastly refused to offer any form of equality for same sex partners.
But being an election year this could be an interesting debate and outcome. Whilst the religious right are furious at even the thought of equality for same sex relationships and equate it with same sex marriage (which it is not), by pushing the legislation forward it defuses the argument that the Liberal Coalition is inherently homophobic.
So it's an interesting challenge - Does the government potentially alienate the religious right, or do they try and be seen to be "progressive" and socially aware?
The last time this Government offered something to same sex partners was in 2004 when they introduced legislation to ensure marriage was defined in law "as a union between one man and one women", tacking on superannuation rights for same sex partners.
The problem was whilst the marriage definition was passed and then made not law the superannuation side was never actually ratified into law.
So even if the cabinet does say yes we will seek to provide the same financial and legal equality for same sex couples this does not mean they will actually do anything more than give lip service to the actual mechanics.
Personally regardless of what actually happens today in cabinet this does not change my view that I am ideologically opposed to what this Government does and believes in.
The weekend was a huge event for us with lots of things to do and a huge Birthday party / clubbing and then recovery that went from Saturday night till Sunday night.
The party was for Chuckles (as his partner lovingly calls him cause he always has a smile on his face) and very unlike a gay party it was a Tupperware party! Yes a Tupperware party, and even further we did in fact purchase some new outdoor (read plastic) wine glasses for the roof.
Now before I get caned for having plastic wine glasses, there is nothing worse than having glasses blow over in a breeze and having broken glass around, especially with the beagle running around.
The party was hugely fun and we all ended up at The Bank hotel in Newtown, then a few hours later upstairs at the Midnight shift. Early (or late) in the morning we all traipsed over to try and get in Arq but by then they were no longer letting anyone new in so we tried the new club downstairs at the recently refurbished Oxford hotel.
This one was kind of OK, but as hot as all hell and we were really just killing time till Manacle opened around 7 am. Manacle has to be one of my favorite clubs, it's dark it's dingy and its always a recovery place with people that have generally been out all night and are still partying well into the next day.
By about ten am I had well and truly had enough and headed home for a sleep and what I thought was going to be the end of the day.
But no fear, the day was not over yet LOL!
After about four hours sleep Chuckles sms'd to tell us to come to a recovery at none other than Nick from Californication. Now this was was cool, and the whole two degrees of separation, Chuckles grew up with Nick in the same rural town in NSW, I kid you not!
In between acting disgracefully, drinking, watching the new episode of Kath and Kim and generally having a blast we even managed to keep it together to blog on Californication!
One really funny thing that Nick and I did discuss was the fact that he thought I was a pure and innocent based on what I write on my blog, I was stunned even amused, because I am anything but innocent. If I hadn't already been drunk I think I would have fallen over in astonishment.
Of course this led to a discussion on just how good / bad we actually are, but as we blogged yesterday any more details would just incriminate the guilty parties.
One nice thing from the weekend is that I am finally starting to feel that my diet is paying off, although I am feeling pretty body conscious at the moment due to an almost total lack of gym for the last couple of weeks and I feel tiny and i look like I have no muscles at all, my waist which was in serious danger of becoming huge has turned the tide and my abs are starting to reappear!
I have been really good on my eating habits and have almost totally swapped vodka for wine (although yesterday the boy and I did manage to get through four bottles of white wine.
So for the first time since going out for my Birthday last month I didn't feel quite so fat! I still have a Long way to go and I need to get back into the gym properly (I almost feel like I am shrinking and no just around my waist!).
My waist has gone done almost two belt buckles and the jeans I bought a month ago which fit perfectly are now sexily loose!
I am aiming to get back to my size 30-31 by the time I head overseas in late September.
So the weekend was a real blast and probably our last big weekend out for a while before we go away, or that's just what I think!
I am having one of those days where every piece of technology I come near fucks up in some way!
The company web server, mail server and Intranet all went down at about 9AM this morning which meant I had no email or customer management system all day!
Then clients started calling complaining that their systems where down too. The web hosting company we use are technically brilliant but not all that good in telling people what is going on so I had no real idea apart from "a server has gone down".
In the end it's all come back and now I have to wade through a full day of email to check for urgent stuff I have missed.
Then at home our main server which runs our media centre keeps crashing and not maintaining a stable connection to the router.
They say things always happen in threes and it did today!
My ipod chose today to fuck up and I spent nearly an hour resetting the bloody thing!
I hate fucking technology!
I should be working tonight to catch up with all of the shit I missed today, but I am simply not in the mood and I think I might do a small bit of more work and then give up for the night!
I did pop by today and say hi to Mark from At my Worst and Best as I was rushing in between places in the city. I haven't seen him in ages and it was nice to very briefly say hi, even if it was for less then five minutes! He did put me on to a new porn site, Straight Fraternity, and OMG I think I might need to join! I so love straight boys showing it off LOL
I had a nice complement today from one of the girls in the office. She said that my waist looked like I had lost weight, which is fantastic since I have been controlling what I eat and drink for a while to get back my abs. I was totally stoked by the comment and it's made up for the rest of the shitty day.
I think I have gone down about two belt buckles and about the same in kgs, I will be happy when the "pinch" text comes back with just tight skin.
The Howard Government last night blocked a push by Labor to extend pension rights to the partners of homosexual judges.
During debate on a bill making unrelated technical changes to the superannuation of federal judges, Labor introduced an amendment that would end decades of discrimination against homosexual judges. But the Government argued the amendment was inappropriate given cabinet was about to consider a broader package of legal and financial rights for gay couples that extended further than judges. It used its numbers to defeat the amendment. The minster Malcolm Turnbull and Liberal backbencher Warren Entsch, who are pushing within the Coalition to end such discrimination, were among those who voted to defeat the amendment. The Labor candidate Mr Turnbull's seat of Wentworth, George Newhouse, said the actions of his rival "stink of hypocrisy". Under current law, if a retired judge in a heterosexual relationship dies before his or her partner, the partner is entitled to 62.5 per cent of the judge's pension. If the judge is homosexual, then his or her partner gets nothing. The discrimination faced by same-sex couples was highlighted a month ago when the High Court judge Michael Kirby called for the law to be changed so his partner of 38 years, Johan van Vloten, could have access to a part-pension payable for life should Justice Kirby die first. This right would be automatic if Mr van Vloten were female. The Human Rights and Equal Opportunity Commission published a report in June finding same-sex couples were discriminated against in 58 areas of financial and work-related entitlements. Labor frontbencher Nicola Roxon mentioned Justice Kirby last night as she moved the amendment. "There is no suggestion that a judge who is in a same-sex relationship is any less worthy of receiving a pension as one who is in a heterosexual relationship," she said. "But if he were to die before or after his retirement, the person whom he has loved and forged a life with for nearly four decades would get nothing, not a single thing." The Attorney-General Philip Ruddock said the Government was still considering the report and the broader package of Commonwealth defined benefit schemes and he would not deal with judges in isolation. "That is one which, I would say, is not necessarily as deserving as those relating to returned servicemen and those relating to Commonwealth public servants," he said. "It is inappropriate to single out members of the judiciary in advance of the consideration of the members of other defined benefit schemes." Mr Ruddock complained the changes, if implemented, would cost money, and Labor's case-by-case approach was financially irresponsible.
It's been a damn busy start to the week with my to do list leading me on!
Tonight the builder came to do the initial plastering of the new walls which were constructed on Friday, so far it is all looking amazing! I managed to sand, prime and do the initial paint coats of the new doors on Sunday in between the National Day of Action Rally and having some friends for dinner.
Unfortunately I Lent the doors on each other (hours after paining) and there are a few Marks which means I will have to sand again and then repaint!
I am still pondering how to deal with the Elephant friend as I will see them again tomorrow, I have half a mind to confront him, but I know that that would really only serve to make a scene and not do anything constructive!
As evidenced by a few people it really does seem to be a friendship flux right now, new people are coming into my life, I am making connections with old friends who I have been out of touch with too.
The friend and I that are having communication issues got together yesterday for several hours, and a specific point was made to make sure we had 'alone' time to chat.
But not surprisingly the actual issues were never discussed, it's like there being a huge elephant in the room that we were both ignoring.
We talked about all sorts of things but never touched on the issues which have come between us and stopped the ability for me to have an open and honest discussion.
There's an old joke from the Simpsons, "There's the truth, and there's the truth". Nothing could be more accurate in this situation, everyone expands and embellishes a good story, that's human nature.
When someone tells you a story or recounts something that happens to them parts of the story are amplified, while other parts left out, and you take all of this in with a grain of salt. We just accept this variance as being normal.
But when does the variance and amplification become an out and out lie? I struggle with the fact that so many things I am being told are not just small variances or embellishments but total lies, told with a straight face even though I know the truth.
It's almost as if there were two apples siting on a table and I was being told there were three. It's as blatant as that.
I hate being made to feel stupid, and I sat there yesterday asking myself whether I mention I know the 'truth' or ask the questions that are eating away inside. The boy is fed up with listening to me complain about the situation, and he just accepts that the friendship has changed.
I know people psychologically sometimes construct an alternate reality for themselves and as they tell the small white lies, they start to believe the fantasy, and pretty soon the fantasy becomes reality in their own mind.
But how do you as a friend deal with this fantasy world, what makes a friend? Do you sit quietly nod and say nothing, or do you confront and potentially alienate a friend even more than they already are.
Or is this just the way that good friendships just become acquaintances until it is the occasional "Hi how are you, we must catch up"?
This afternoon we will be going to the National Day of Action rally to protest for equal rights for same sex couples. The boy says they need to learn how to make these things more interesting and maybe more people would go. I prefer to believe that most gay guys seem to be vocally in support of equal rights, but very few are actually willing to interrupt their day to actual go and participate in something.
It will be interesting to see how many people turn up this year
This week we will get the final two pieces of the current stage of the re-design and renovation of our apartment should conclude. The Poliform sideboard should arrive for downstairs and the new in built half wall book cases are being installed on Friday / Saturday.
This means that downstairs apart from the sofa which needs replacing in the long term or new cushions in the short term (due to beagle damage) is complete and we can start to complete other parts of the apartment. We also need ot do something about a long artwork for a wall but I want to have someting comissioned specifically for the wall or something done to my specification.
We did start the renovations of the second bedroom, this being where we had the faux faux white gloss sideboard and the half wall bookcases installed, but the rest of the room is now ripe for completion.
The three pieces above are what I am thinking for the upstairs room which doubles as our guest bedroom and the boy's gaming room (he has his xbox 360 and flat screen up there so he can retreat upstairs to blow things up).
So the Sofa is a Jasper White Leather Sofa;
The Table is a marble topped Saarinan Table which I love!
and finally the Arco Lamp which is such a classic.
Whilst I am not one hundred percent sure on the Arco, the otehr two are perfect for the space and would make it functional for the boy's gaming needs and more than adequate for guests when they stay over.
I'm a bit late in this but I really wanted to congratulate Bobby from Bobby's Body on his total transformation from in his words 'from an almost functioning alcoholic' to getting his life, body and health under control.
The work that he put into controlling his drinking, and turning his un-healthy body into something that anyone would be proud of.
It's a pretty amazing achievement to go from what is a grossly unhealthy lifestyle to a long term healthy lifestyle! Although Bobby said he was not going to start another blog he loves us all and did relent and start Bobby's Vanquish!
Thinking about his transformation I must say I feel a tinge of jealousy with the total lack of progress I seem to make, or the cyclical up and down of both my healthy eating habits and workout regime.
This time last year I was at the gym six days a week and I was really pushing my body hard and seeing the results. This year things have seemed to have gone haywire in this respect. But in my defense I can say that I have been going to the gym, but the lack of gym focus is inversely proportional to my workload. Work is busier than it has ever been we are getting far more clients in and out of the door and the financials are healthier.
An interesting related conversation happened in the office yesterday, one of my clients an attractive 40 year old married father of two was in my office for a workshop. Somehow the concept of substance abuse and alcohol came up and we started chatting about our alcohol taking and whether this made us or our respective friends / partners alcoholics.
Both of us drink every night as do our partners, we will call the client Smiles because he has a hot smile. Smiles said his friends know that if they come to their place for dinner etc they will be handed a glass of wine on entry and will most likely end up having to leave their cars and get a taxi home.
It kind of sounds like us, except most people are not stupid enough to drive to our place for dinner, they either live near by or catch a taxi for obvious reasons.
Because we drink every night we both wondered whether this was in fact alcohol abuse, the thought of not drinking every night (at least one drink) is a scary thought for me. I use a drink as the end of my work day, and don't generally have that first glass till either 8pm or when I have finally finished everything I can get done that day.
I know lots of people who will start drinking at 6ish and continue working on till 1am, I personally can't do that or I would probably a) write gibberish, b) tell my clients to fuck off, or c) all of the above.
So is this what represents a problem with alcohol? Every now and then we go outwe will have more than enough drinks to get drunk, not falling over drunk, but drunk enough to get silly and do stuff that I would not normally do.
I always thought that an alcoholic would pretty much start drinking in the morning / lunchtime and would drink till passing out.
Or is an alcoholic someone who has no off switch once they do start regardless of what time they start?
I turned to my trusty Wikipedia for a definition and found:
Alcoholism is a term with multiple sometimes conflicting definitions, but with no formal recognition of the divergence of meaning. In common and historical usage, alcoholism typically refers to any condition that results in the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages despite negative personal and social consequences. Medical definitions describe alcoholism as a disease which may result in a persistent difficulty in controlling alcohol consumption. Alcoholism may also refer to a preoccupation with or compulsion toward the consumption of alcohol and/or an impaired ability to recognize the negative effects of excessive alcohol consumption. Although not all of these definitions specify current and on-going use of alcohol as a qualifier, some do, as well as remarking on the long-term effects of consistent, heavy alcohol use, including dependence and symptoms of withdrawal.
While the ingestion of alcohol is, by definition, necessary to develop alcoholism, the use of alcohol does not predict the development of alcoholism. The quantity, frequency and regularity of alcohol consumption required to develop alcoholism varies greatly from person to person. In addition, although the biological mechanisms underpinning alcoholism are uncertain, some risk factors, including social environment, emotional health and genetic predisposition, have been identified.
I think at the end of the day you have to decide for yourself whether you are an alcoholic and if you are you need to do something about it! For me, I know I use alcohol to 'self medicate' or relax into many social situations and at times I drink too much, but on the balance I do not believe I am an alcoholic.
My tonsils have pretty much sorted themselves out with lots of antibiotics, liquids and vitamins. The downside though is I am pretty much exhausted.
Amazingly the meeting on Friday resulted in a nice small juicy contract, and even better the client pulled a cheque book out and paid her 50% deposit up front right then and there!
The down side of course is that the project needs to be complete by Wednesday! After a two hour meeting with the client I almost collaspedathome for a few hours before starting the project and pretty much working solidly over the weekend to get the majority done by this morning.
My eneregy levels have been up and down, we had friends for dinner on Friday night, went out for a friends Birthday Drinks on Saturday night and then dinner with the boy's parents and my parents on Sunday night.
Oh and to top it off we did some shopping for new clothes on the weekend too.
Did I say I was still feeling unwell?
Today back at the office I simple plowed through the day of work, catching up on faxes (yes some people still send faxes and I am too lazy to have them emailed to me).
I am about half way through my To Do list for the day, but I am going to behave myself by staying away from the gym for a few days.
I have decided that even if I am not going to do the whole nasty diet I am back on the detox plan and taking all of the yucky pills and potions. I reckon even if I only get 50% of the value of the detox, that's 50% more value than I am getting now!
This day in History
I thought it should be said that today is the 62nd anniversary of the use of an atomic weapon on Hiroshima. Now a good day for humanity.
Day Three of my Evil Captors Plan to keep me under control by streptococcus. I am feeling a lot better than I was on the first day but I am still bloody annoyed by having this!
The tonsils themselves had all that white muck over them yesterday but that has started to go away and they are reducing in size too!
So from what I have been reading this means my body is fighting off the infection in the normal manner and to the normal time frame.
We have been invited to a new friend's Birthday drinks on Saturday night, but unless my tonsils are still 'infected' and not just a bit sore I will not go.
I had agreed that I would not work in the office this week to my DR (he knows me LOL) even though I have been working pretty hard from home, but it's different I swear!
An on again off again annoying company that sometimes gets us to do small projects and gets us to quote on all these larger projects which we never seem to win. I get the feeling that they always go for the lowest bid and then they moan and moan when the project totally fails!
So far I think our company has billed them about $3,000, but we have bid on projects worth around $60,000, it is just such a waste of time to do any form of proposal for them.
It's one of those stupid little two women marketing companies that seem to bumble from client to client and the majority of their clients end up angry with them, not pay their bills or some other catastrophe occurs.
Warning signs for any sub contractor!
In fact one of the proposals we did which took a good half a day of our time to map out the client's requirements, the client was actually being sued by the marketing company for non payment of bills worth twenty thousand dollars! Naturally enough we never got the work and the client won damages from the marketing company.
Anyway the Principal of the business rang me yesterday and asked me in for a meeting for a project which she guarantees is ours, yeah sure!
I tried to explain that I am ill and don't want to go in and ask can we do it by phone (read this as stop wasting my time), but it doesn't fly.
So even though I am ill and I don't want to I will hop a taxi the ten minutes and sit their meeting their client and see if a) they have budget, b) they are interested in us, c) understand why we are more expensive that a lot of other small companies that do similar.
I reckon looking at what they need and what has been said about being guaranteed, we have a 50 / 50 chance of winning this.
So pain killers and maybe an Ativan to test it's usefulness and I will keep you all posted.
Oh and I needed some hot eye candy for the day so I have chosen Thomas from Big Brother 07. Does anyone have more pictures of him? I want to put up a gallery of them on the site. Send them to me at drew at superdrewby.com
The rest of yesterday was nasty, mainly because I went from hot to cold, sweating to sweating and my entire body hurt. I've noticed that if I get really sick I tend to tenses my lower back and legs for some reason and subsequently get massive muscle pain.
Apart from pain killers (I only really have paracetamol and ibuprofen) which work for a while and then wear off, steaming hot showers seem to work the best. So in between trying to stretch y back and legs out showers, shaking and generally being in pain I feel like a total wuss.
I hate being ill, it just interrupts everything, no gym, limited work, no yoga and just an overall deadening of the senses, and I like have my senses all fine tuned.
My DR is a funny middle aged Indian man who I have been seeing for about five years, without fail though every time I see him he always asks whether I have seen him before. Ok I don't go all that often but maybe 7 - 8 times in five years for sleeping tablets and the occasional antibiotic when I have been a big wuss and was worried about getting the flu.
The whole thought of me coming down with the FLU is enough to make me want to start popping any anti-anxiety medicine I could get my little mittens on! I have only had the real FLU once in my life, about ten years ago I was bedridden fro two weeks and it took me up to 6 weeks to fully recover.
It was horrible and I never want to go through that again.
Although I am doing pretty well with my panic / anxiety disorder these days, especially since finding a new book written by a former sufferer of panic attacks, I still wanted to get something like xanax etc to help me through some really stressful times.
He is a funny DR, he will prescribe any antibiotic, sleeping tablets or offer medical certificates for stuff, but he will not prescribe me xanax. My fixation on Xanax is I know it works for me when I go into major anxiety mode. Apparently though there has been a huge crackdown on Doctors prescribing XANAX especially around these parts where it is wildly over prescribed to help the clubbing set come down after a long weekend.
I am generally only a Valium liker when I have a really bad back or neck strain as it's the only think that can relax the muscles and help me get some pain relief. But in general I don't like it although I was given some before for a bad panic attack and all it did was knock me out not what I actually wanted.
Instead he has given me something called Ativan which is a benzodiazepine which has been around since the 70's"
I must say it's in some great company! Mogodon, Rohypnol etc.
I took one last night to see what the reaction would be and I have to say it certainly had a nice effect calming me and my muscles down and even with the extremely painful throat I had what I consider a good sleep!
Having an addictive personality and having had some really bad reactions to things like this in the past I am pretty careful about reading the contradictions. The main thing I have been repeated is no alcohol with Ativan is it causes dis inhibition and amnesia lol, personally that sounds like fun.
Like all of these it can be addictive if you use it daily for more than three months every day.
But I really only want to carry some for those times when I can't just stop the anxiety attack from hitting
I am working from home today which whilst it may sound like fun, for me it's not really my ideal way to work.
I had a particularly bad night with my sore throat turning into a tonsil the size of a small golf ball on the right side of my neck and I feel vile, but not flu vile (touch wood). As I really do not want the flu or have the time to devote to being ill and not being able to concentrate on working.
I can tell I am running what feels like a very low level fever but I am not going from hot to cold so all in all it could be worse.
Being the total hypochondriac I am though, I will go to the Doctor and get something for it. Mainly because about about 15 years ago I ended up in hospital for almost two weeks with Tonsillitis which turned to Quincy and almost killed me by blocking off my air way.
When I first started working for myself almost size years ago I worked from home for about three years and it sent me bonkers having no one around for most of the day. So when we got the first round of funding for the business the first thing we did was find formal office premises.
Now three and a half years on and into our second premises I much prefer to work from the office. I tend to get more done, I eat less and I can interact with people and overall just feel better about things.
Not withstanding the whole 'elephant in the room' unpleasantness right now in the office which I am pretty confidant will sort itself out, I would much rather be there than here!
Apart from a planned trip to the Doctor I intend to sit at the table and working my way through my day's to do list as well as I can, drink lots of water and make sure I stay warm.
The worst part is that today is Yoga day and I will miss out this week. I might go on Saturday morning instead!