Like I think many people I am pretty shocked that the US Congress did not pass the bail out.
But I am pretty surprised by some of the rhetoric I have been reading on what I thought were socially progressive gay blogs.
One blog writer who is on my blog roll seems to believe that the whole thing is a big conspiracy by the American Government (I am not kidding).
The problem is so multi faceted and there is no one solution for the whole kit and Caboodle. For a very long time predatory companies have been loading people up with debt to make more money for their shareholders.
In Australia we are more regulated in terms of credit - although still cringe when I see companies advertising credit specials for things like furniture and home appliances.
It does make me laugh that there seems to be such an us and them attitude towards people who make money and the average Joe on the street.
I am here to tell you we are all connected in this crisis and in one way or another we will all feel the pinch. Whether it be increased costs, job losses or whatever.
I think that Congress will end up reaching a deal to underwrite the bad debts (which is essentially what the bail out is supposed to do, buy under performing bonds backed by defaulting mortgages).
And I assume that the much needed regulation of the credit market will come too.
It's not a good day for the financial markets, but to call it a conspiracy shows the true stupidity and narrow minded knowledge of the person that did so.
A few hours ago the very first privately funded and developed space craft was launched into space.
Aftre three attempts the Rocket burns baby burns!
What's the etiquette here...
One of the boy's work colleague's 12 year old son wants to be my friend on Facebook.
I have ignore it twice but he still tries to add me, his mum is a friend on FB but I really don't want a 12 year old on my Facebook.
Do I just message the mother and tell her?
Or do I just ignore it?
It just seems creepy cause I am three times his age!
Although the long list of changes have not yet been made nor have they passed the Australian Senate yet, Interviews like this by the Coalition's Senator Brandis are incredibly good.
The interview which was published in a Sydney Gay Rag basically says even if the Coalitions bid to include interdependent couples in the relationships bill they will still pass the bill.
What an amazing amazing step forward!
Just two years ago with John Howard in power this sort of equality was only a pipe dream!
The bill and all the legislation still have to be passed and it could be derailed or defeated by any of the loony right like Stuart Robert who I blogged on earlier in the week who used outdated and non scientific studies to oppose the same sex reforms.
But this is historic!
We have to be careful though, we get equality so what next?
I am serious part of the community that we have, as fractured and disparate as it is has a sense of objective and a common cause, but what happens when we no longer have a common cause that all of us can get behind?
First things first let's make sure the Senate passes the bill and it's not watered down with interdependent relationships!
In a disturbing recent court decision in Queensland a Man was found guilty of inciting hatred against homosexuals by Queensland's Anti-Discrimination Tribunal for displaying a bumper sticker which read:
Gay Rights? Under God's law the only rights gays have is the right to die."
In the 77 page report put down by the Tribunal they said that he had a right to be homophobic but not incite violence against gays.
You know I am a bit confused here and I realise there is a legal distinction, but when some screams anti gay abuse at me that's OK, but if they said Die Faggot Die, that may be inciting violence?
Personally I would have therefore thought ANY homophobic comments were directly or indirectly inciting violence.
Whilst I find part of this decision good, I find the rest of the decision startling and scary as it legally allows homophobic abuse.
On the weekend we had a pretty busy couple of days being very social. We went to lunches, dinners and birthday parties and then on a Sunday morning decided to parachute into a recovery party after having slept all night!
It's always fun parachuting into a party in the middle of the festivities when everyone else is already drunk and having fun, you have a few options:
1) Just stay as you are for a while and then escape
2) Pace yourself and take time to reach the trashiness
3) Just jump right in and join in...
We were home by about 6pm last night and had some food then watched a movie....
The only one bad thing about yesterday was that I ate not one but three pieces of pizza! AND two fried chicken pieces, OH Woe is me!
But going home last night and wanting food there was not exactly a lot of bad unhealthy choices in the house anymore.
Most of the food we now have is very good for us with no junk food, no fatty foods etc.
It's a significant change from a few months ago where there was always some sort of chocolate or chocolate biscuit!
Anyway the week ahead is a very significant milestone for me, the product I mentioned some weeks back has now been majorly tested and we have done the initial user testing of the functionality, next we have to do the user testing of the 'message' and that's this week!
So I am very excited about this week because this is pretty much the last major step in delivery (let's just hope it doesn't take too long!)
A Study in the UK that looked at the links between depression, suicide and substance abuse and homosexuality has been twisted around by my favorite right wing bigots over at Lifesite.
The study looked at the relationship between anti gay feelings and depression.
The study quite scientifically concluded that the more a society was anti gay the more this affected someone who was gay in that society.
Lifesite however claims that it;s the act of being a homosexual that causes depression.
University of Minnesota researchers concluded the same thing as the UK study:
Researchers at the University of Minnesota have published a study showing that the degree of internalized homonegativity (negative attitude towards homosexuality) among homosexual men is what predicts poor mental and sexual health – not the act of being homosexual.
It just annoys me so much these bigoted Christians who don't get it. Every study done since the beginning of time proves if you treat someone poorly or negatively their self worth goes down, resulting in depression, suicide and substance abuse.
The Minnesota study conclusively debunks the prevalent right wing argument that it's the act of being gay and not societal forces which cause a much higher rate of depression in gay men.
Look we all know it's not easy being different when we are growing up and realise that rather then being interested int he opposite sex we are interested int he same sex, and that does cause confusion and depression - well it did for me anyway.
Especially since societies views at that time of my life were pretty negative towards homosexuality. It just annoys me that the bigots can be so bigoted and nasty to not even realise that they are the problem!
I think I solved my lack of energy issue earlier in the week, it was most likely from a lack of enough food.
With getting used to the whole idea of this diet I was simply not eating enough for my body and exercises.
We are both using some Maizey starch as an energy source after the workouts and I have stetted to use it before as well. Once scoop is about 200 calories but it's in easily converted carbohydrate energy food which is great.
I used some last night before my cardio session and managed to get about 45 minutes of cardio in even though I was totally exhausted.
This afternoon I have a training session with my trainer to do legs, my least favorite part of my body.
I am not looking forward to that!
I am severely lacking energy this week.
Last night at the gym was almost laughable, I could hardly lift anything and my muscles were so fatigued to begin with!
I have not been keeping exactly to the diet plan and so I think my body was just plain tired and hungry! I went straight home and had a dextrose and protein shake before heading out for dinner which certainly did take me from dead tired to chirpier.
As I was walking out of the gym my trainer walked in and asked me if I had a good workout to which my response was no. I must ask him whether I should take some dextrose / creatine etc before working out to give me some energy!
Anyway this week I only have legs left to do with my trainer on Friday and another cardio session which I intend to do tomorrow night.
Since the weather has improved and the sun rises earlier my internal body clock wakes me up earlier, well that and the light that enters the room.
Pretty much as soon as it's light my body just wakes me up and once I am even vaguely awake that's it. I can toss and turn for a while but will end up getting up and making coffee and starting the day.
Tonight we are off to the opening of the Art & Antique Fair which will be fun to see what's on offer. I am hoping for a good selection of twentieth century art and antiques, if you can actually call 20th century antique I am not sure!
And today puppy is at Doggy Day care, I have the web cam page in the background so I can take a peek every now and then at what's happening.
I love it!
It's now been six weeks of focused work outs, week five of the program with the new trainer and about 4 weeks since I did the DXA scan that showed I had 18.2 % body fat.
I weighed myself the other day and was slightly alarmed that my weight had gone up not down - Not that I need to lose weight as such, but I would have thought that my weight should have gone down.
Especially since I have cut out all fast food, junk food, and naughty snacks and have instead swapped them for such things as carrots, celery, protein bars, nuts and fruit and other vegetables.
The 'pinch test' and the belt buckle test all tell me that my waist is decreasing in size, but I am impatient, I want to know by how much and I have to wait for another couple of weeks before I do the next DXA scan.
I haven't been all that strict with the diet plan my trainer has given me, more so I have tried to reduce how much I eat in general and substitute foods.
The scary thing is a normal meal may only comprise say 150gm of meat / chicken or 200 gm Fish / seafood along with 1 - 2 cups of vegetables.
That's a tiny piece of meat let me tell you!
On my diet I am supposed to eat about 2300 calories a day and I must admit I do stop to calculate what I am eating.
Take today for instance:
Rolled Oats 150 calories
Skim Milk 25 calories
Honey 22 Calories
Raisins: 50 calories
Coffee with Skim Milk 25 Calories (no sugar)
Total: 272 Calories
Protein Bar 245 Calories
Mixed nuts: 50 Calories
Total 295 Calories
Total calories so far: 668 Calories which means I have about 1632 calories left in the day.
I am having sushi for lunch with a Friend today and the average Sushi box has about 330 calories in it so I will probably also have some sashimi to take it to about 450 calories for lunch.
This afternoon I will have a piece of fruit and some tuna and burgen bread for a snack which will be about 300 Calories, which leaves about 800 Calories for dinner out tonight with friends which means I will probably hit over the desired calories for today what with wine and dinner out, but since my average workout of which I will be doing one tonight burns about 700 - 800 calories I should be OK.
The biggest issue I have with weight loss and fitness is the alcohol and wine I drink most nights (every night). There are two issues with alcohol:
1) The Calories of wine are about 130 calories a glass (vodka is about 60 Calories)
2) Your body burns the alcohol first before burning fat and stops muscle growth.
As my trainer told me the results I could get if I were not drinking would probably be superb, but I want that balance in my life of drinking, eating and exercising.
I don't want to be only obsessed with my body I want to do all of this so I am healthy happy and balanced!
If you are interested I get all my calorie count information from http://www.peertrainer.com
And yes I am slightly obsessed about getting my 6 pack back too!
Amazingly I went to the Dentist again this morning without having to take any anti anxiety medication. I took it with me just in case but from past experience sometimes just having the medication available is enough in these cases.
I had two teeth filled today, the one that had broken in half a few weeks back and one next to it. Next week I have to go back and have another three teeth filled.
But after the next visit I don't need to go back for at least six months for a normal clean and check up.
And you know what, I will damn well be going back every six months to make sure my teeth and gums are kept in a tip top condition.
One one of largest concerns has been that I will have to go to a Periodontist for my gums, but the Dentist seems to think that after a good clean my gums are actually healthy and I don't need to go to one!
Whilst there was virtually no pain whatsoever during the event, I do have a dull ache in my mouth and head this afternoon from where all the work was done.
The cost of course is a bit high for all of this even with private full comprehensive health insurance, we end up getting about 50% of the cost back. All I can say is thank freaking Christ I didn't need more extensive work or it would have been astronomically expensive.
I guess it just pays to brush and floss on a very regular basis and find yourself a dentist that you actually trust.
Now all I have to do is ask about teeth bleaching next week I am there, but I dare say that will be a next year thing LOL!
OMG it is too funny!
'have you ever had scalloped potatoes before Bill?"
There are so many things right with this documentary and there are so many things wrong with it at the same time. I think to start with the statement that all the equality we as Gay Men seek has been afforded is total rubbish.
Yes in the UK there are civil unions and anti discrimination laws but there is still large scale opposition, violence and the UK Government wouldn't even give refugee status to Gay Guys who were going to be killed if they were forced back to IRAN.
I think this documentary is very very slanted towards the scene and the very small microcosm within the gay community who do take things to extremes. Yes there is a scary culture of destructive behaviour and this is a very big problem.
But to lump all gay men in with this is wrong, misleading and insulting.
If you look at any group of people gay or straight you will find extremes, in the straight community you can find the same sort of destructive behaviour.
I do agree that the gay scene is focused on 'image, youth and beauty', but so is the entire world! We are constantly bombarded with all sorts of images and messages encouraging us to find the gift of eternal youth, gay or straight it's the same.
So to call this a problem within the gay community is disingenuous and plain wrong.
The documentary is good but fatally flawed. Maybe if Simon Fanshaw did not come across as a slightly jealous old man who is now looking at something for which he does not belong to the message would be stronger.
Instead the documentary is a vehicle for which opponents if gay rights immediately latch on to and point their fingers at the gay community and their 'hedonistic self destructive lifestyles'.
Bottom line I do agree with the summation that many in the gay scene are going through a life of perpetual 'adolescence'. As I think the whole Gay Movement is at this moment.
We are stuck in between the ideals of the activist 1970's queers who advocate we be anti everything normalised, the don't give a fuck and then the people in the middle.
So - food for thought though
World Youth Cost New South Wales more in terms of lost revenue as a whole than it made.
As predicted by everyone and sundry the great white elephant of the Pope's Visit did not have the huge economic windfall for the State or Country.
Yes Sydney needs international events but an event which was so so narrow and so discriminatory is not what we need.
Interestingly the argument that the State will give money to other events like Mardi Gras which have traditionally received no Government funding and are huge money spinners for the economy will now in light of the economic black hole in NSW be shelved.
Personally I think all religious organisations should pay taxes, then we wouldn't have such a problem!
Do you ever have one of those days where you totally lack motivation?
Well I am having one of those days today.
For the last few months, no strike that, all of this year I have been tail up head down working hard to get everything done.
New products, revamped products and cutting out the chaff and noise in what we do. I work my way through lists upon lists upon lists of stuff to do without really thinking about finishing it all, because there are always tasks still to do.
My daily To Do lists have been short of late because the tasks have been quite large and onerous, or just plain mind numbingly detailed.
I think I need a day off where I don't work and I don't take any client calls, but what would I do on such a day?
At least the workouts are starting to pay dividends, although this week I am pretty much buggered and my trainer expects me to do 6 out of seven days working out.
Mainly because I missed legs on one occasion the week before last and he wants me to catch up.
Anyway I will struggle through the afternoon!
As I type this I am sitting at the dining table at home waiting while I update my largest clients website and eCommerce Platform which my company has written for them.
Tens of thousands of code, hundreds of hours of work and stress, and for my client millions of dollars in sales could all be totally fucked up if the update does not work!
I don't generally talk about my work on my blog, mainly because I am not necessarily sure who reads my blog and I would rather not get into some stuff in the open.
But this is such a momentous moment as the new software we wrote goes live, and there is nothing for me to do right this moment other than wait for the 300mb of files to be uploaded to the server and then configure.
Talking of work we have been very busy in the last year busier than ever before , but there is that underlying fear that as the economy slows all this great market share I have found will contract or collapse.
We are entirely re-tooling our business to address this with solid robust technical solutions made for mass deployment.
Sounds like word candy don't it!
However when we are ready I will for the first time spruik one of our products on my blog Why? Because I can and because I want to get the largest possible media outcome I can get!
Anyway the files are still uploading and I would say it's going to be at least another thirty minutes before I can start the configuration of the software on the server!
eeeeeeeek - this makes me nervous, really nervous!
Sarah Palin must NEVER become Vice President, the women hold extraordinarily bigoted and dangerous views.
Forget about her opposition for a rape victim to have an abortion that's just bizarre.
Her Church where she has worshipped all of her life believes that gays can be converted to heterosexuality by the power of prayer.
This is horrible, all actual research confirms that all ex-gay ministries do is cause more psychological harm, increase the risk of suicide and doesn't actually get rid of same sex feelings it just tries to block them and replace them with prayer programmes.
Let's face it the replacement of Sex Ed classes with faith based abstinence programs certainly seems to have been successful in her own family haven't they!
If the Republicans win the election they could divert massive funding away (not that George Bush has not) from counselling services, awareness programs and give this money to faith based conversion programs.
I will be fair and say that as yet Sarah herself has not publicly stated her position, but her past actions in vetoing same sex equality legislation in Alaska has shown that she is not overly gay friendly.
She has in the past voiced opposition to providing equality for same sex couples but on the issue of conversion ministries we only have the policy of her church thus far.
Personally I don;t care if she says she does not support these things, she still supports organisations which do, which is akin to supporting the Nazi party but not supporting the policy of putting gays in concentration camps.
Extreme hatred and bigotry are not what the world and especially the United States people right now.
Saturday nights around the area seem to be getting noisier than I remember, more shouting more throwing of bottles and more police sirens.
I'm curious whether any of the 'changes' around the strip have actually had an impact.
Next weekend it's the local council elections and I am totally torn by which way to vote. There are three major options:
Dump Clover and go with Shayne Mallard (Liberal)
Dump Clover and go with Meredith Burgman (Labour)
I have a problem with all three options really, Clover has pissed me off by not doing enough or simply giving lip service to the fixing of Oxford street. Her support for the World Youth Day State Government funding certainly got my back up.
But then she tempered this by digging her heals in over the funding for the rejuvenation of Hyde party after the event.
On the plus side for Clover she is not aligned with either major party and if we can lobby her well enough we mat get significant changes.
As much as I like Shayne Mallard and many of the issues he champions, I will not support a political party who has people like David Clarke and Alex Hawke, two exceptionally nasty right wing anti gay bigots in the Liberal Party (and these are just a few).
Now Meredith Burgman I have some respect for but State Labour at the moment is in a total mess and I think Local Council labour and State Labour would be too close to each other so let's keep a healthy distance from each other.
So that leaves voting for Clover not because I want to support her per se, but because I do not want the other options.
This political rant started all because of the increased noise and issues on Oxford street, which is a minor issue for the local council elections next week. I know there are far more pressing issues, like the over development of areas like the old CUB site down in Chippendale to the final design and development of the Bangaroo site on the harbours edge.
But Oxford street is my strip and it's my little baby.
I hate this site Lifesite, they are a right wing Christian website that is consistently anti gay. In an article about the introduction of the Same Sex Entitlements Bill, LifeSite claims that the bill would allow polygamous relationships.
Because the to be in a same sex relationship you could technically still be in a common law marriage.
So they claim that it legalises Islamic polygamy.
So now we see the new argument against same sex relationship equality, and it's breathtakingly xenophobic and irrelevant.
The issue of course of how the Government (and all legal and statutory bodies) recognise a same sex relationship is not yet full debated and set. The problem is that the we are not getting civil unions or any type of 'register' where we can legally join our relationship.
Because civil unions are too close for the conservatives to marriage we are getting a subjective view of what is or is not a relationship.
The arguments used against the bill are spurious, however it raises the issue of what is considered to a be a recognised de-facto same sex relationship will still be open to interpretation by the courts.
Whilst the bill is int he right direction does it really give us what we need without either a civil union or legally recognised relationship 'register'?
Thank Freaking crap it's Friday!
I am so sick to death of this week and have zilch motivation to get anything done and I do mean anything.
I have just been trying to push along a project that is badly languishing (well needs to be complete by the end of the day), but it has been a total drain on me.
Anyway I have the full day to get on to this done so back to the coding horror that is my day!
I was too exhausted last night o get to the gym and I feel bad for only having been 4 times this week.
But I have my trainer this afternoon and that's always something to look forward too.
Ten years of pain and fear and what for?
Well I went to the Dentist this morning fool of fear, panic and anxiety. I woke at about 4 am even though I had already taken two temazapam.
I didn't feel too bad but did take an Ativan before leaving the house and then before going into the surgery.
And before anyone makes a comment I am prescribed them and I do know how to take them!
The Dentist was just delightful she soothed my fears told me exactly what was going on and kept giving me little breaks all during the scaling, cleaning, poking, prodding and temporary fillings.
I need a couple of more appointments in the coming weeks to do some actual proper fillings and to continue on in the cleaning of my teeth.
Having smoked for for years up until about 3 years ago there was a thick hard layer of black / brown calculus in between and on many of my teeth.
In my head this was actually my teeth decaying - yes I had really convinced myself of this! And I was convinced that A) I was going to have to have at least two or three teeth removed and B) it was going to be a hell of a lot more stressful.
In reality I know that the boy was talking to the Dentist first and we are going to address one issue at a time, IE the Dental phobia, then the cleaning of the teeth and gums, then the decay and then lastly the long term issue of a chronic dry mouth which has been causing receding gums.
But I am just totally amazed at the change in my mouth from one visit.
For years I have been a bit wary of smiling because I imagine everyone was looking at my hideous teeth. My confidence has suffered and I did often wonder when people were looking at my face whether they were looking at my teeth.
At the end of the session she gave me a mirror and said do you want to see, at first I was like no, I didn't want to because I hated looking at my teeth.
But she told me to look, and I was and am flabbergasted.
I feel so much better!
I kept on telling her that this experience with the Dentist was just so amazingly different than what I went through before.
My dental phobia stemmed from years of abuse by my previous Dentist, and I really mean abuse.
You see my Dentist was my cousin and I have been seeing him as my Dentist from about 14 or so. I was not the best of patients to begin with I was overly anxious and I did not practice a good flossing or brushing routine. This meant I had more problems than most people anyway.
My cousin was and is still a rather homophobic guy, and by about the age of 15 - 16 it was pretty apparent to everyone that I was gay. When I came out it was made really apparent that he was very homophobic and there were many snide remarks and general nastiness aimed at me by that side of the family.
Through years of neglect by the time I was in my late teens and early twenties my dental problems surfaced, coupled with three rounds of the skin treatment Roaccutane for acne my mouth dried up and I ended up with various cavities.
Each time I would go to my cousin there was this air of he really would have preferred me not to have been there. I also had a very very low dental pain threshold and even though I would tell him time and time again that the anaesthetic was not enough nothing was done.
There was always the question whenever I did visit the Dentist of when my last HIV test was which was insulting to say the least. Not all gay men have HIV you know and there is a moral obligation to tell a Dentist if you were positive anyway.
Anyway I digress.
I think from his point of view he was doing me a favour by seeing me at all, but to me there was never any explanation, there was just exasperated conversations where I was told that my mouth was a mess. And muttering to nurses and a general feeling of being 'handled'.
In fact in my early twenties I ended up in hospital with an enlarged tonsil that blocked my air way almost killing me, the cause at it turned out was an abscess on a wisdom tooth from a cavity. The cavity would have been totally obvious from xrays which had been taken by him several months before. This I never shoudl have had to go through what I had gone through.
But in either his haste or whatever to get me out of the surgery it was never looked at properly.
By now my dental phobia was really just an anxiety but a few years later in my mid twenties it really went up a hundred notches and became a real phobia.
I got an cavity and then an abscess on one of my teeth and not only did it hurt like hell but it caused a massive nasty infection in my mouth and gum. I went to my cousin again and he was just vile and treated me like I had the black plague.
The treatment was spotty at best and I was just petrified, and since then no matter what went on in my mouth I tried my best to either grin and bear it or ignore it.
So for ten years the mere thought of the dentist has sent chills of terror and I do really mean terror down my spine.
The boy made an aside that I should sue my cousin for damages which in my mind is a total waste of energy. At the end of the day I think my cousin never wanted to treat me or anyone else who was gay, he has some real issues about that.
But because he was family he couldn't just tell me to find another Dentist, nor could he encourage me to actually go see a Dentist in general. So a bit of catch 22 really.
So today I did something which has terrified me, kept me awake at night and stopped me from doing things and has contributed in no small part to my general anxiety.
I am stoked, totally stoked!
Now there is only one more thing that I have been avoiding and that's driving....
I am reading with growing hilarity the mess that McCain's running mate Sarah Palin's dysfunctional family is.
Teenage pregnancy is nothing new, it's a fact of life for so many families, ESPECIALLY when the only sex education these kids get is abstinence because that's the way God wants it.
Sex is only or procreation in a marriage right?
OH no wait a second if you are the daughter of the Republican nominee for Vice President it's OK for your 17 year old daughter to be off having unprotected sex with her high school boyfriend.
OMG people it's a Condom and it prevents pregnancy and STDS
If there was not a prime example that the abstinence sex ed programs do not work it is this.
But of course the right wing abstinence only people are just simply crowing that she made the right choice in not aborting the baby, which is such a distraction!
Let's get this in perspective, the political party which prides itself on it's high moral standards and no sex before marriage is embracing a family to potentially become their Vice President who seem to have no morals.
Let's hope this sinks the Mcain campaign entirely!
Apart from the sheer panic that is simmering beneath the surface at the moment I am also very focused on my new workouts.
Let's hope I don't need too much dental work that interrupts the training sessions - Yes I realise that this is slightly ridiculous but I am so focused right now and it's the best I have felt in ages.
Over the last few weeks I have been wearing my Polar Heart Rate monitor to try an optimise my workout.
At the start of every workout I do ten minutes of interval training on the rowing machine, or as I call it the vomit inducing torture device. Ten minutes of 30 second go for hell intervals and then 30 seconds of absolutely nothing.
I average about 186 bpm for this and more than once I have either thought I was about to pass out or about to throw up. It['s amazing how in ten simple minutes you can end up doling several hundred calories.
Then it's on to whatever workout you are doing for the session.
Thank god for muscle memory is all I can say
So anyway in my workouts I range from burning 585 calories (really wimpy workout) to 780 calories.
It's a really interesting measure of how much effort I put in on that session, and the calorie count really shows this.
The boy who has been hitting the gym really hard for the last few months has been getting great results, but has now just started to realise that the gym and getting / maintaining a good shape is not a 'sprint' but a long term marathon.
I know this because every time I workout for months and months then I lose interest and stop working out for a while.
For now I have a goal for the Sleaze weekend, then I have another one for the end of November when I go off to the US.
Then I don't know, maybe the gym just needs to be part of my every day 'normalcy' who knows!
Last night at a friend's Birthday party as I ate a piece of chocolate cake (my first in weeks) I had what I thought was something stuck to the back of one of my teeth.
I tried everything to get rid of it.
But then the harsh horror hit me, there was nothing stuck to my tooth, in fact I had lost half of my tooth!
I am terrified to the point of inability to function by the Dentist. I am anxiety ridden and in a blind panic, I haven't been to the Dentist in a good ten years even though I know I should have because I have had bad teeth and bad gums as a teenager through neglect and a chronically dry mouth.
So now on Wednesday for the first time in ten years I have to go to the Dentist for an 'assessment' then I have another hour next week to start fixing whatever.
But after not going to the Dentist for ten years I am terrified at what they will find, my mind is playing out all sorts of horrendous scenarios in my head.
I am not even sure with Valium I will be able to site back in that chair and even vaguely relax.
It's a nightmare but on the other side this is one of those fears and phobias that I know can only be addressed and solved by going.
The last time I went to the Dentist I had three cavities fixed, and I fainted after getting up from the chair.
But at least this time I am not going to my previous dentist who I did not like and I am going to a Dental practice owned by the wife of an ex work colleague, although I am seeing the partner in the practice who I have met at a dinner party
She tried to convince me over dinner that I should come and see her then!
So Wednesday morning I will for the first time in ten years have to confront one of my biggest phobias!
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